Why is it HARD to be HAPPY?

Over the last year, I have lost a considerable amount of weight and have gone through a number of changes mentally... all positive and welcome changes!  However, today I find myself wondering if we are ever happy with how we look?  Are we ever satisfied?

It's no secret, especially if you know me, that I have abused my body for a long time.  No, I don't do (have never done) drugs, I don't drink (have only ever done so socially) and I quit smoking over 12 years ago.  I don't have an eating disorder and I don't harm myself physically (ie. cutting or burning, etc).  My vice has always been food.  I have, what I would consider to be, a food addiction... I love to eat... all foods but especially sweets.  I'm also what would be considered a Yo-Yo dieter.  I gain a bunch of weight only to lose a bunch of weight to, once again, gain a bunch of weight (I'm not talking 5-10lbs, more like 50-60lbs +).

Last June, I finally figured out the key to losing and keeping weight off and that was by using my Fitbit and measuring calories in vs. calories out... simple!  Why it took me almost 40 years to find this solution is beyond me BUT... herein lies the problem that I am faced with now. 

Each time we Yo-Yo, all of the weight we gain back is fat and fat takes up WAY more space than muscle so my skin is very stretched.  I have a LOT of loose skin, all over my body... my stomach, my legs, my arms... the only area that seems to be spared from the loose skin dilemma is my face.

This past weekend, I was wearing leggings (tight leggings) and when I was standing up, I felt like I looked great... I have been walking everyday for a year and a half and have some definition in my legs now but when I sit down, the legs spread out like nobodies business.  Likely, I am the only one that notices this but it's still something that bothers me.  When I lie down on my side, my stomach spreads out like a pancake.  When I bend over at the waist... my stomach hangs like a loose sack of whatever fills a loose sack and my boobs... my boobs look like cow udders.  You think I'm kidding but they are literally just skin with no fat underneath.  No part of my naked body makes me feel good about myself which leaves me constantly asking the question, "Does this look okay?" or "Do I look fat in this?". 

Today while I was on one of my many walks around the building that I work in, the question came to me, "Are we ever truly happy with how we look?".  The answer is honestly, no... I don't think anyone is ever truly happy with their body and everyone is looking to fix something. 

On that walk, I started thinking of all the people I know (follow on Instagram...same thing) who have gone through major weight loss and followed that up with body sculpting or contouring (ie. surgery) to fix the loose skin problems.  These people spent THOUSANDS of dollars on surgeries that will make the loose skin problem go away but instead, left them with scars that will likely cause the same self-conscious feelings.  I'm not in the market to get these surgeries... I don't want them nor could I afford them.  So I have decided, today, that I am going to stop making excuses for my loose skin... I am going to stop looking at my body negatively and instead, look at it as a miraculous machine that lets me walk every single day... that has allowed me to Yo-Yo diet for YEARS and still gets up in the morning!  I am vowing to be HAPPY with who I am and what I looks like!

Does this make me OLD?

This past weekend, I got in the mood to do a puzzle and I am not sure if that makes me old or just plain awesome?  In the world of millennials and being "hipster", I think that possibly doing puzzles is now the new cool whereas when I was growing up, people that did puzzles belonged in nursing homes (or were away at the cottage).  I think the idea of a puzzle was put into my brain by a YouTuber I was watching (Louise Pentland... aka. Sprinkle of Glitter) who had some friends over to start what she coined, Puzzle Club... ever since then, I haven't been able to shake the thought of it.

Now, when I do a puzzle, I don't just do a simple 500 piece job with a picture that is super easy to follow... NO... I do the WASGIJ puzzles which are 1000 piece mystery puzzles and will make you pull your eyebrows out in frustration.  Don't let that scare you away... if you are in for a good challenge, these are the only puzzles worth doing, in my humble opinion (really, the only one that matters).

Friday night progress

Like most normal people, I start with the outside edges because only sadists start with the middle... and yes, I do these puzzles on my kitchen counter because I am a grown human and felt like this was the best use of the space for the entire weekend.

Saturday progress

Don't let the lack of progress fool you... this is a solid 6 hours plus of puzzle assembly.  Things that I learned after my day of puzzle making?

1. As long as you have an empty part of the puzzle box, your cat will leave all the pieces alone
2. 10-year old boys have the attention span of a squirrel and will spend three seconds undoing 1 hour of work
3. Roseanne is a great show to binge watch while putting puzzles together... seriously, season one is hilarious!

Completion

I didn't care what it took... this baby was going to be done before I called it a night because there is no way that I would have been able to function knowing that it was sitting, unfinished, mocking me at home.

After a full weekend of 'puzzling' I can't say that I am over the love of them by any means... in fact, I may have rekindled my love of them and knowing that Bowser will leave them alone, makes them all the more fun to do.

No Longer a Grumpy Cat

It wasn't so long ago that I considered Grumpy Cat my spirit animal.  Every single time I would cross a meme online, or see a new Instagram picture, I would take pause, enjoy it, and possible even share it with my peeps because, dammit, it was always so relateable.

There are calendars, mugs, stuffed animals, pens... I have them all because Grumpy Cat and I were one and the same.  He (really a she but never how I picture it) always spoke what I was thinking inside and just didn't have the balls to say out loud. He (she) was my outside voice.

However, over the last year and a half, as I began making some big life changes (which I will share in future posts), I started to become a little annoyed by Grumpy Cat.  His (her) constant negativity just seemed to hit me differently but not in a way that I could easily explain.  It wasn't until this past Spring that I finally realized that it was because I no longer related to what Grumpy Cat was portraying.  The meme's weren't funny anymore because they no longer were what I was thinking or how I felt inside.... was it possible that by making some positive life changes, that you could actually change the way you see life?  Could you really flip the script and become a happier person (even though on the surface, no one would ever realize that you were ever NOT a happy person)?

As I look back on why Grumpy Cat was such an 'influential' character to me, I realize that all of the feelings that I associate with him (her) were negative ones.  The hate, the anger, the resentment that I had bottled up inside (even when I didn't realize it was there) was being spoken through this wee little cat but when those feelings started to leave... when I no longer hated who I was, felt anger at the person that I had become, resented the way I was living my life... Grumpy Cat was no longer relevant to me.

I took a look through my Instagram feed and at who I now follow and I can't find a single account that isn't centered on positivity... on fun... on making others happy.  Moreso, I don't follow anyone that doesn't bring me joy.  Not everything in life is roses but when you surround yourself with negative things, how do you expect to feel anything but that?  I have chosen (quite by accident) to live my life being happy and you know what?  It's awesome!

Now... I still need a cat meme to get me through because... CATS... but now, they are more funny because they are true and cats are jerks!  LOL

Are These Green Beans?

For Thanksgiving this year, I was in charge of bringing green beans.  My plan was to go to the local farmers market (we live close to three) and as most of my best-laid plans go, I was too lazy so just added them to the weekly grocery list.  In our house, the grocery shopping is a BLUE job so I prayed and hoped that he would come home with decent, fresh green beans so we didn't show up a total embarrassment to the family.

As I waited with baited breath, he pulled the following out of the grocery tote...

However, instead of just putting them on the counter, he asked, "Are these green beans?"

This is the End... I'm Done

It's fall... we all know what that means, right?  I will give you one guess as to what this post is going to be about.

Yep... the most Basic Bitch fall problem off them all.  The dreaded PUMPKIN SPICE EVERYTHING rage that seems to be taking the world by storm more and more each and every year.

When I was little (read: back before there were things like cell phones and Internet), fall was a time for the leaves to fall off trees and for you to plan what you were going to be for Halloween.  That's it.  There weren't FALL decorations for your house... there wasn't an abundance of fancy drinks and snacks that were made to taste like you think pumpkin should taste (let's be real here... there is no way on God's green earth that pumpkin tastes like any of these things... NO WAY).  Slowly but surely (I blame Pinterest), pumpkin spice has started to take over the world.  If you don't start the month of October (read: August) with a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks gracing your Instagram page, are you even real?  Do you even exist?  I seriously doubt it.

I have learned to live with seeing everything in the grocery store come in it's normal flavour and then have it's added special pumpkin spice flavour for the fall.  I may have even tried the odd item to see if it's any good... some are decent, most are not.  But today... today I saw something that upped the pumpkin spice game and made me start to question the sanity of all the people of the world.  In fact, it made me feel like the end was near.  I saw....

PUMPKIN SPICE EGG NOG

No... just no!  I can't... I'm done.  This is the end of the modern society... we have finally reached the tipping point.  This is it... We are over.

EGG NOG.

I was shocked to see the DECEMBER beverage (this DID exist before Pinterest and I have indulged since I was a wee-un) in the grocery store at the beginning of October.  Innocently, I took one out of the case to take a picture for Instagram, because I too can be basic, only to discover that it was PUMPKIN SPICE.

That's it... there is no more.  I can't say anymore than I have on this matter because I am literally speechless that this has happened.  Will I try it... no (mainly because I don't want to be the person who has to buy it) so for now, I will continue to gripe about the unnecessary overpopulation of ALL THINGS PUMPKIN SPICE.

Cinnamon Roll Coffee Cake

Food and I have a LOOOOOONG standing relationship... it would be fair to say that I am a self-confessed food addict.  When I find a recipe and recommend it, it must be known that I am serious about it... and this is one of those recipes that you NEED to try.

I was watching my friend, Kristin's, video on YouTube and she linked to a recipe for a Cinnamon Roll Coffee Cake and I immediately printed it out and made it this past weekend.  I love a cinnamon roll, I love a coffee cake and I especially love when a coffee cake doesn't include actual coffee.

Just in case there was any doubt on the awesomeness of the cake... see the evidence below... kind of hard to debate actual proof, right?!

Enjoy!

Ingredients

Cake:

• ½ cup butter, melted
• 2 eggs
• 1 cup sugar
• 3 cups flour
• 2 tsp vanilla
• 4 tsp baking powder
• ¼ tsp salt
• 1½ cups milk

Topping:

• 1 cup butter, melted
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 2 Tbsp flour
• 1 Tbsp cinnamon

Glaze:

• 2 cups powdered sugar
• 5 Tbsp milk
• 1 tsp vanilla

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
2. In a large bowl, mix all the cake ingredients together until well combined.
3. Pour into a greased 9x13 pan.
4. For the topping, mix all the ingredients together in a small bowl until well combined.
5. Spread evenly on the batter and swirl with a knife. Bake at 350 for 30-35 minutes.
6. For the glaze, mix all the ingredients together in a small bowl until it is a consistency like pancake syrup.
7. While warm drizzle the glaze over the cake and it will set into a harder glaze.
8. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Netflix Rage

I am a Reality TV junkie... I would be lying to you if I said anything different.  Have I spent an entire weekend watching an old season of some random reality series? Yes.  Have I purchased some obscure reality TV series with my hard-earned money even though my husband thinks I am insane? Yes.  Am I the person that can join in ANY conversation about ANY reality TV show and feel no shame? Yes.  If you also answered yes to these questions then CONGRATS my friend, you too are also a reality TV junkie.  Might as well embrace it now because the older you get, the harder it is to hide.

So, what does being a reality TV junkie have to do with Netflix and why does it cause me unheard of amounts of rage?  Well, let me tell you...

Many of you may not know this, but I live in Canada... wasn't trying to hide that fact, I just simply have never said it before.  In Canada, we have Netflix.  No, this is not ground-breaking news but what you may NOT know that Netflix in Canada BLOWS GOATS!  I believe (based on endless searches and browsing) that all of the money invested in to Netflix Canada goes towards crap shows and shows that no one in their right mind would watch.  OR... it goes towards shows that you would watch but are readily available just about anywhere.  What I am seriously looking for are old seasons of Survivor, Big Brother, Amazing Race, Hells Kitchen.... Big Brother from other countries... random food shows from other countries (read: every season of The Great British Bake-off ... Mary Berry for the WIN).... you know... THE GOOD STUFF.

Oh, "just watch Hulu", you say.  "Amazon Prime has all those shows", you scoff.  Yep, they do... I am not going to say that these shows aren't available online OUTSIDE OF CANADA but for us measly Canadians, it's not possible to watch these shows without investing in stocks of the company (also known as purchasing each season for crazy amounts of cash... who really wants to buy a 15-year old season of Survivor for $25?  ME but again, hubs would shoot me dead on the spot... just kidding, I've done it but don't tell him).

Need this station... please and thank you

Being a modern-day techie (just kidding... it's called YouTube and there's a video to teach you anything... literally anything), I have changed my IP address so it looks like I am living in the US and lived the glorious life of an American Netflix watcher... until the addresses were changed and life came crashing down (which generally happens in the middle of the best show of every season you are watching).  I've also tried watching these videos on the YouTubes and... no... just no.

So, here I sit.  With all the bottled up, unnecessary, first-world problem rage that Netflix gives me EVERY DAMN time I look for a show to watch.  Oh, and don't even get me started on the lack of decent Halloween movies (yes, they exist... Halloween franchise, The Purge movies... you know, the classics).